Remembering the end
After the fifth gulp of salt water I feel a sense of calm, the source of which appears to be my satiated stomach. The panic which had agitated my limbs and had begun with a vague notion that something was wrong, now seemed like an embarrassing memory. Like the time I wet myself whilst sitting on the floor in Junior School waiting for a games lesson. I realise that this memory is accompanied by a pleasant warmth as once again my bladder empties itself without my assistance or volition. This time it feels fine. No embarrassment here for some reason.
I notice the light is changing, perfectly synchronised with the gentle drifting, the gradual descending of my body. I have the strangest experience that the words "my body" are absurd. It's as though a small child has just described a coke can tree. I want to giggle at my foolishness, my naivety. Did I forget something? A curious feeling of deja vu arises and yet equally strong is a nagging irritation that I was meant to remember something at this very moment. Like I had trained to be ready. Some subliminal doodah or other.
The light is changing again, brighter this time. Really bright. Terrifyingly bright. This time the fear is paralysing. Why can't I remember what I'm meant to do? I'm on a plank on an impossibly high structure over the darkest abyss. Every unkind word, each cruel deed throughout my entire miserable life is replayed in 360 degree horror, in 4k HD with Dolby Atmos Surround Sound. Shame turns everything black.
And then it comes. The memory of this moment. The knowledge that I know I have faced it countless times in previous lives. No longer an unknown unnameable below my level of consciousness. Now I know exactly what I need to do.
"Over here!" shouts the woman in the lifeboat as she leans over sploshing a boat hook into the water. She drags the bloated body towards the hands of her fellow rescuer. Putting the long pole back in the craft she helps haul the body of the dead swimmer onto the deck. As they turn him over they both look at each other with a mix of astonishment and incredulity. For the dead man has the most serene smile on his face that either of them has ever seen.
